Push Me Away When I Come, Don't Hold Me Back When I Leave - Chapter 146

Chapter 146: Liu Ruoxue Side Story – Your Honey, Their Poison (Part 4)

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“After Liu Qingyun’s first suicide attempt, I once asked her, since you’re not afraid of death, why are you afraid of living?”

“She told me that living was really too painful, that foolish way of attempting suicide was painful enough, but living was ten times more painful than the wounds on her wrists. It was like feeling insects consuming her body every day, completely inescapable.”

“Dragging this body that was no longer worthy of her sister, even opening her eyes was a form of torture.”

“She used to believe there really were gods in this world, but from that day on she no longer believed. If there really were such deities in this world, why couldn’t they hear her helpless prayers?”

Liu Ruoxue felt her heart wrench in pain. It turned out Liu Qingyun had always been putting on a fake smile in front of her to avoid making her worry. The arranged marriage set up for Liu Qingyun, the so-called path of ‘returning from straying’ that was arranged for her, was just torture for Liu Qingyun, torture of being forced to comply with what her most beloved sister wanted.

What she thought was right was actually handing knives to Liu Qingyun again and again.

When Liu Ruoxue discovered all this, she fell into confusion. Liu Ruoxue had always thought that Liu Qingyun’s feelings for her weren’t really love, and that Qingyun’s attraction to women was something that could be corrected. Now thinking about it, Liu Ruoxue didn’t even understand when Liu Qingyun started having feelings for her. And even if she could do it all over again, she still couldn’t accept Liu Qingyun’s feelings, it went against everything she had been taught since childhood. This was when Liu Ruoxue truly felt pain. Faced with this situation, Xia Ruoming still had the chance to follow her own path, but she could only accept the outcome. Even if she could do it all over again, she could only accept the result that her sister would pass away, she couldn’t do anything to change this outcome.

Liu Qingyun would never put Liu Ruoxue in a difficult position. When her sister wanted her to get married, she got married. When her sister wanted her to stop liking women, she never mentioned such things again. It was only when she felt her body and heart had become defiled that she truly felt how terrifying despair could be.

Her love was neither accepted nor understood. But Liu Qingyun didn’t want her sister to have such painful feelings because of this, so she made a decision that would satisfy both sides. After Ye Han grew old enough to live independently, she slashed her wrists, even making a vertical cut directly through the blood vessels, and lay in a warm bathtub. With the experience from the first time, everything she did went exceptionally smoothly…

That feeling was really painful, painful beyond measure, even the bravest, most foolish warrior would grimace from such pain.

But when Liu Qingyun passed away lying in the bathtub, she was smiling. This pain compared to the suffering and torture she had endured was really nothing worth mentioning…

Liu Qingyun was just a poor soul who feared death but feared living even more…

The choices she made for Liu Qingyun, the future she brought to Liu Qingyun, were all extremely cruel, extremely tragic stories, they were just what she believed to be the right path. Understanding this, Liu Ruoxue helplessly closed her eyes. This matter fundamentally shook everything she had always believed in, making her doubt what she had always insisted upon.

And she also understood what Xia Jingsong’s words really meant.

Xia Ruoming might very likely make the same choice as Liu Qingyun.

If living in this world was destined to be painful, why should she have to walk this path at all?

The way to end it all was also simple, just close your eyes and never wake up again.

【Sleep, sleep, please don’t wander anymore. Sleep, sleep, forget all your sorrows.】

【Don’t cry, don’t be afraid, let me take you home. When the song begins, sleep, sleep…】

For some reason, Liu Ruoxue suddenly remembered this song she had once heard Xia Ruoming playing. Liu Qingyun had indeed made such a choice, just eternal sleep here, and there would be no more sorrow or wandering. That daughter who looked so much like her sister would, when forced into a corner, choose the same path as her sister.

Did she really want to see this happen? How could she possibly?

After all, the lost traveler wasn’t Liu Qingyun, but Liu Ruoxue herself…

Feeling utterly powerless, Liu Ruoxue fell asleep leaning on the sofa, not even knowing when she had drifted off.

【Sister, sister, mom bought this for me, sister come eat with me~】

【Sister, will we be able to stay together forever, never apart?】

【Sister, Qingyun is really afraid of being alone, sister please don’t leave Qingyun, okay?】

Liu Ruoxue smiled in her sleep. In their teenage years, Liu Qingyun always clung to her, bouncing around behind her calling her sister. Back then she was really happy to have such a cute sister.

【Is that so… will this make sister happy… then alright…】

【Yes, if sister says so, Qingyun will do it…】

【It’s okay, sister, Qingyun is happy…】

【Ruoming, when you grow up, you must protect your mother well, don’t let anyone hurt her…】

【Sister, I no longer have the courage to continue living. If only I could live in a world with just me and sister, would sister be able to love me then…】

【Goodbye, sister… goodbye, Xiao Xue, Hanhan, mom couldn’t take good care of you…】

“No, Qingyun!”

The cold blade cut through the skin, blood gushing out, also waking Liu Ruoxue from her dream, it was just a nightmare.

Although this nightmare was reality, and had already happened, no matter how much effort was made it couldn’t be reversed…

She didn’t know why, even though she had never seen how her sister looked when she passed away, but the scene in her dream was so real, as if it had been deeply carved into her mind.

“You’re awake? I bought breakfast for you. Yesterday you fell asleep directly on the sofa, I didn’t want to move you.” Xia Jingsong said as he handed over two plastic bags containing rice porridge and tea eggs.

“Has she left? Gone to school?” Liu Ruoxue, awakening from her nightmare, asked in a low voice.

“Yes, isn’t our daughter always like this? Whenever anything happens, she cries it out and forgets it all. She really is like her.” Xia Jingsong sighed, “If she were the type to hold onto things, she probably would have hated you to death by now. Fortunately, she’s not that kind of daughter.”

“Old Xia, tell me, if I hadn’t forcefully interfered with my sister’s fate, would things be different now?” Tears rolled down Liu Ruoxue’s cheeks as she murmured.

“They would be, but you would be more miserable.” Xia Jingsong shook his head, “The mistake wasn’t yours, but what you were forced to accept from the beginning.”