Reincarnated as a Poor Little Green Tea, Am I Destined to Be Bullied? - Volume 1 Chapter 55

Chapter 55: Determination

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“Post-traumatic stress disorder isn’t about willingly deceiving oneself, but rather if she doesn’t think this way, she won’t be able to continue living. During the kidnapping incident, witnessing everything firsthand was something she absolutely couldn’t accept. This isn’t something that time can simply wash away.”

“Unable to accept… so she chose to escape?”

“Yes, she just ‘hid’ herself away.”

If you can’t push open that door, then pretend you never entered through it in the first place.

This is similar to a biological instinct for survival, and also a kind of “self-meltdown” when the brain reaches its maximum stress threshold. If Xia Mujin didn’t actively choose to selectively forget the parts of her memories involving Xia Muqing, she wouldn’t be able to survive. She would have to live in constant pain and struggle, never able to find peace.

In the past that Luo Yahan witnessed, Xia Muqing was Xia Mujin’s emotional pillar. That guy was excessively doting on his sister, with a level of concern that was beyond belief. The young Xia Mujin had an unusually strong dependence on her older brother. When Luo Yahan was young, she couldn’t do anything about this pair of silly siblings. They liked to stick together for everything, inseparable. It was particularly troublesome to call one of them out alone, mainly because Xia Mujin wouldn’t let Xia Muqing leave. Wherever her brother went, she had to go too, like a little adhesive plaster, extremely clingy.

“By the way, let me tell you, even when she was that small, she already showed a certain hostility towards me.”

“Hostility?” Lin Yueye didn’t understand. “Excuse me… what do you mean by hostility?”

“Because I often came to play with them, Xia Mujin always complained that I was too close to her brother. You should know, she was only 6 years old at that time.”

“She… she was just a child, I think it’s normal to have some possessiveness…?”

“If you had seen her eyes back then, you wouldn’t think so… Ah, there’s no point in saying all this. I just wanted to tell you through these examples how devastating Xia Muqing’s departure was for Xia Mujin. Tch, speaking of which, haven’t you recovered yet? You seem to have taken an even bigger blow. Since you chose to listen, try to pull yourself together a bit.”

“Mm… I’m fine.”

She said she was fine, but Lin Yueye was leaning on Yuebing’s shoulder. Even though the little cat girl was frail, Lin Yueye felt that if she didn’t have something to lean on, she would really collapse.

Why did it turn out like this…

She couldn’t remember, but vaguely, in her memories, there was her innocent smile, that distant field of flowers.

If the memories before the age of 7 were ordinary, that would be a comfort.

But there were so many beautiful memories before the age of 7, and so many regrets after.

Now, thinking back to when Xia Mujin said she “wanted to prove she was alive” with that desperate expression, almost crying, Lin Yueye felt a tightening pain in her heart. It was as if her soul was responding to Xia Mujin’s pain, grieving and aching for her.

And if so…

Things that were incomprehensible at first all became clear now.

“Teacher Luo,” Lin Yueye’s eyes looked haggard, but she still struggled to seek answers to her questions, “You said… Xia Mujin can only live alone in that spacious mansion, is it also because of these reasons?”

“If we analyze it from a psychological perspective, this can only be the reason.”

Even though she’s afraid of the dark, she still has to live in such a vast space, because she was once locked up in a dark warehouse, narrow and sunless.

She can’t accept others living with her, not even her parents, because any footsteps would remind her of the kidnappers pacing back and forth in the warehouse, remind her of them lifting her brother by the collar, remind her of the splashing blood, her brother’s miserable laugh.

“Even if she chooses to deceive herself, she can’t do it completely,” Luo Yahan leaned on the second-floor railing, looking down at the first floor, her blue single ponytail sliding off her shoulder. “At night, she turns on all the lights in the mansion. Even so, she still has insomnia. Sometimes when it gets severe, she needs to take sleeping pills. I can guess… she still involuntarily remembers those things, on and off. You saw those dolls in her room just now, right?”

“Yes… I saw them. A whole room full.”

“Those were all given to her by Xia Muqing when she was little. Of course, there weren’t so many back then. She bought hundreds and thousands of the same style later and put them in the room. Uncle and Aunt were actually worried that these dolls would evoke bad memories for her, but… outside of that room, even sleeping pills don’t work for her.”

Perhaps, the reason why Xia Mujin’s personality became so aggressive is also because of this.

At a young age, she witnessed her most trusted brother being beaten by kidnappers while she was tied to a pillar, unable to stop it.

So there’s hatred in her heart. She desperately wished she could have done something, even if it meant becoming a devil, becoming the abuser, rather than watching helplessly as her brother was bullied and tortured.

Over time, this mindset became more and more distorted, and her possessiveness became increasingly bizarre.

“To be honest, Xia Mujin has had these thoughts, but she’s never acted on them before,” Luo Yahan glanced at Lin Yueye from the corner of her eye. “You’re the first person to catch her attention. I don’t know why she’s so obsessed with you, to the point of venting those distorted feelings on you.”

But deep down, Xia Mujin must know how harmful this behavior is to others — she’s the one who understands this best in the world.

That’s why Luo Yahan said earlier that even if Lin Yueye reported this to the police, Xia Mujin would absolutely not retaliate against her. Forget about retaliation, when Xia Mujin wakes up, the one who will be most regretful, most upset, most conflicted, and most pained will definitely be herself.

“You probably can’t imagine that girl suddenly breaking down in tears… I saw it recently,” Luo Yahan said, gazing into the distance.

“Is it because Xia Muqing’s body was found…”

“This event has undoubtedly devastated her completely. Otherwise, she wouldn’t have gone crazy enough to do this to you today. Her mental strength is already at its limit. Her brother’s body is lying in the main hall, how can she continue to deceive herself, and who would she be fooling? But actually, even before this, her emotions were already quite unstable. I could only try my best to talk to her about other topics as a friend, to divert her attention. But beyond that… there’s nothing more I could do.”

“That’s enough… Teacher Luo, thank you.”

“You’re thanking me? Enough? What are you thanking me for?”

Yes… what am I thanking you for?

Lin Yueye smiled bitterly, “I’m thanking you for telling me all these things. It’s more than enough, otherwise, I’d still be in the dark.”

“Even if you know now, the current situation only adds to your troubles. There’s nothing to be thankful for.”

“If only her brother hadn’t died and could come home to keep her company, how wonderful that would be.”

“That’s true, but it’s impossible now. Since Xia Muqing’s remains have been found, I no longer hold any hope for that.”

Mm… Teacher Luo is truly a good teacher and friend.

According to what she said, conversely, until Xia Muqing’s body was found, she still held some kind of “hope”.

In other words, she never gave up searching for Xia Muqing.

Whether it was to search for a former friend or to help Xia Mujin overcome her trauma, it’s something Lin Yueye should be grateful for.

Listening all the way to this point.

When Lin Yueye came, she initially felt it was “none of her business”.

But just from a moment ago.

Lin Yueye’s eyes had completely changed.

She couldn’t remember her past memories, and for now, perhaps she couldn’t reconnect with Mujin as “Xia Muqing”.

But now… at least now, she is Lin Yueye.

Lin Yueye also has her own way of doing things, things that only she can do.

She stood up on her weak legs, her white knee-high socks still showing traces of being pulled by Xia Mujin earlier.

What exactly are you trying to hold onto…

“Teacher Luo, I have something I want to say.”

“Hm? Oh, your eyes look better. Have you recovered?”

“I don’t know… but I might… know why Xia Mujin pays so much attention to me. She said some heartfelt words to me downstairs earlier. Would you like to hear them?”

“If you want to tell me, that would be great.”