Push Me Away When I Come, Don't Hold Me Back When I Leave - Chapter 38

Chapter 38: The Conflicted Xia Ruoming

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“I don’t know, initially I only liked you, I liked you because it was you, I only realized I liked women later, I’m not sure if it’s innate or not,” Xia Ruoming casually brushed her bangs aside as she spoke.

“What, are you curious about such topics?”

“Can’t I ask? I didn’t understand Ruoming enough before, so of course I want to learn more now,” Xu Fengwu said softly while tending to Xia Ruoming’s hair.

“The current you doesn’t resemble that proud princess at all, you’re more like the 80-year-old gossip-loving granny who lives downstairs.”

From Xia Ruoming’s strange expression, Xu Fengwu could understand how self-centered she was back then, never caring about those around her, taking others’ kindness for granted. Being aloof and somewhat selfish, she never developed any curiosity about Xia Ruoming.

Now she also knows that she might have been truly unlikeable back then. Even though Xia Ruoming pursued her for so long, she only selfishly enjoyed that gentleness, never once trying to understand Xia Ruoming. She actually knew nothing about what kind of person Xia Ruoming really was.

Perhaps when she lost Xia Ruoming, her first thought of wanting her back stemmed from her competitive nature, she wouldn’t acknowledge anyone being better than herself, and that unhealthy possessiveness; she didn’t want others to enjoy Ruoming’s gentleness.

But now, she was truly pursuing Ruoming out of love. She wanted to enter her inner world and understand her past.

Xu Fengwu also knew that previously, Xia Ruoming only had eyes for her, just as she only had eyes for herself. Their small world couldn’t accommodate anyone else. She didn’t like women or men, she only liked her. Besides Ji Chuan, Xia Ruoming had no other close friends in her circle, being kind only to her from beginning to end.

Ruoming even ignored her own beauty and excellence, content to be a mere follower for her sake.

Actually, Xu Fengwu wanted to ask if she still held any attraction for Xia Ruoming now. She indeed found it difficult to voice this question, but when she emerged from the bath, the answer seemed self-evident. As many novels say, a white moonlight seems to have significant innate advantages, even Xia Ruoming, who had grown to dislike her so much, couldn’t remain unmoved when facing her.

“There, Ruoming, it’s dry now,” Xu Fengwu said after touching Xia Ruoming’s hair ends one last time, unplugging the hairdryer and putting it away.

After nodding slightly, Xia Ruoming changed into her pajamas. Since Xu Fengwu had worn them before, the pajamas seemed to carry an unfamiliar fragrance.

Xu Fengwu, wearing the spare pajamas, looked extremely mismatched, her surging waves seemingly ready to burst through the buttons at any moment.

At that moment, Xia Ruoming had the urge to grab her blanket and sleep on the couch.

“Well… Ruoming, shall I turn off the lights?”

Seeing Xia Ruoming’s response, Xu Fengwu turned off the room lights. The room immediately fell into darkness, and she returned to bed.

Xia Ruoming’s scent was different from Xu Fengwu. That elegant fresh fragrance intertwined with the faint ethereal scent, making it difficult for both to fall asleep.

“What are you thinking about? Why are you lying there with your eyes open?” Xia Ruoming never liked sleeping on her side. Although the lights were off, Xu Fengwu could still see Xia Ruoming’s eyes that hadn’t closed in the darkness.

“I’m thinking about whether you can leave after staying here today.” There was a hint of jest in Xia Ruoming’s voice.

What was meant to be a joke was met with Xu Fengwu’s weak response in the darkness.

“Don’t make me leave… I won’t go anywhere…”

“Alright, alright, I’m not trying to make you leave. I know you can’t go home. I just suddenly can’t sleep. You should sleep early too. Don’t end up looking haggard after staying at my place for a few days, or auntie will notice.”

“Oh…” A low voice came from the other side. For some reason, Xu Fengwu’s somewhat vulnerable appearance struck straight to her soul.

Soon the person on that side of the bed went quiet, as if already fast asleep.

Glancing at Xu Fengwu beside her, Xia Ruoming suddenly remembered what An Jinrou had told her during the fortune-telling session, and recalled those three tarot cards.

The reversed Emperor might represent how in her past life, she used Jiang Ruhua to fulfill her ambitions, thus gaining authority that shouldn’t have belonged to her. That inflated ambition made her mistakenly believe she was truly a member of high society. Falling from the clouds finally made her clear-headed again.

Then… does the reversed Moon represent the lost and regained Xu Fengwu?

【You have many choices, but you’re indecisive because you fear getting hurt. Please remember, many people fear darkness, some fear the pitch-black scenery itself, some fear the long shadows on night paths, but everything is because the person themselves is afraid. Darkness itself isn’t dangerous, darkness won’t hurt you; what hurts you are certain creatures within the darkness.】

【Although the process will be full of pain, you have the chance to pick up what you never obtained, and reach your happy ending at the finish line.】

Though she couldn’t remember exactly what An Jinrou said at the time, she never forgot the general meaning.

Is it really right to reclaim what was lost and regained? Even with a chance to start over, would they really avoid repeating the same mistakes? Her heart had already chosen Chu Suhe, should she still care about Xu Fengwu’s feelings?

As they say, it takes a hundred years of fate to ride in the same boat, a thousand years of fate to share the same pillow. Taking a taxi home with Xu Fengwu barely counted as sharing the same boat, and after reincarnation, sleeping in the same bed, perhaps she and Xu Fengwu were destined to have this connection.

Though she was thinking about these two people, her mind couldn’t help but drift to the scene of her deep kiss with Xiao Qinghan that day.

Perhaps Xiao Qinghan was drunk then, but her heart still couldn’t let go.

Once a person has choices, they become uneasy, confused, and lose their previous determination. This applies to Chu Suhe, and equally to her, Xia Ruoming.

If she could enjoy multiple relationships like Kan Orineko, perhaps she wouldn’t refuse, but she really didn’t want to be that kind of scoundrel who actively two-timed. Many novel protagonists would justify their actions by saying they hadn’t officially confirmed their relationships, but she couldn’t cross that barrier in her heart.

Xia Ruoming didn’t yet know that her love fortune was destined to be very rocky, and what that reversed Moon card represented was far more complicated than she imagined. Everything was just beginning…

Feeling dizzy, she shook her head, clearing away the distracting thoughts, and closed her eyes to enter dreamland.