Palace Struggles Is Also Crazy - Chapter 7

Chapter 7: Did I Say Something?

The Emperor’s Day.

This day was no different from usual. Dugu Xin woke up stuck on the third set of radio calisthenics, specifically the phrase “The era is calling”.

Serving the Emperor wasn’t an easy task, especially since he had a bad temper in the morning. Luckily, Da Xi had experience. Every time, he would run to the small square in front of Kun Ning Palace between the phrases “The era” and “is calling” to fetch the Empress to put out the fire beside the dragon bed.

It was a common understanding throughout the Forbidden City that one Empress was enough to tame seven Emperors.

The Empress, like a fire extinguisher, would arrive at the scene in five seconds, effortlessly lifting the Emperor with one hand holding a dumbbell and the other holding the Emperor. She would then proceed to perform a series of intimate actions, such as hugging, kissing, and lifting him high, which were too embarrassing to watch.

After a stick of incense’s time, the Emperor would walk out of the room, awake and in a slightly better mood, with a slightly red face. Da Xi would pretend not to know anything and quickly help the Emperor wash up before rushing to Ci Ning Palace to pay respects to the Empress Dowager.

The old lady, despite sleeping less, had already transformed herself into a kind and benevolent elderly woman. Before Dugu Xin’s dragon butt could even touch the edge of the chair, she would start her daily plan to urge him to have children.

“Oh dear, I think there are still too few children in the palace.”

“When the previous Emperor was your age, he already had five children!”

At this point, there were usually two possible scenarios – the Emperor’s mood was either good or bad.

If his mood was bad, he would say, “Mother, can’t you just speak normally without using modal particles?” or “Take care of yourself, Mother. Less mahjong, less late nights. You can do it.”

Obviously, the Emperor’s mood was good today, so he simply said, “Oh.”

Next was the Emperor’s breakfast time. There were usually two options – stay here and eat with the Empress Dowager or go back to Kun Ning Palace and eat with the Empress.However, this multiple-choice question had been changed to a single-choice question by the Emperor’s personal preference since the Empress entered the palace.

The Empress Dowager watched the Emperor’s quick footsteps as he escaped, and with a gesture like Xi Shi holding her heart, she pulled out a small handkerchief and shook it. “He’s forgotten his mother since he got married.”

As she caught sight of Rong Mama holding pancakes and fruit in the corner of her eye, her expression changed seamlessly from gloomy to sunny. The small handkerchief instantly turned into a napkin, which she elegantly tucked under her chin, rushing towards her beloved Rong Mama and pancakes. What was a biological son compared to delicious food?

On the way back to Kun Ning Palace, the Emperor had already thought out his proud posture. If the Empress dared to force-feed him milk again, he would issue a decree nationwide banning the raising of dairy cows.

However, upon entering the palace door, he realized he had overthought.

The little prince was sitting at the table, looking at him with a beaming face.

Dugu Xin had a million unspoken words to say. What happened to the shared luxurious couple’s meal?

A monarch’s dignity and prestige demanded that he educate his son sternly: “You’re already five years old. Can’t you be more mature? Why are you still clinging to your mother for breakfast?”

He thought for a moment and then added with righteous indignation, “Look at me. I never cling to my mother for breakfast.”

The little prince was instantly conquered by his father’s powerful logic, feeling useless and sitting there with a red face, about to burst into tears. The Empress returned with milk in hand.

As soon as Dugu Xin saw two cups of milk, he knew he was in trouble.

“What’s wrong, Dugu Xiao Ting? Did your father bully you?” the Empress asked, noticing the little prince’s expression.

Dugu Ting clenched his small fist, filled with righteous indignation, “Mother, I’ve decided. From today on, I’m a real man. I won’t have breakfast with you anymore!”

The Empress nodded approvingly and picked up her cup.The Empress handed the milk over, “Mother is so moved. Come, little man, drink your milk.”

The little prince’s confidence didn’t last two seconds, and he became timid, “Mother, real men don’t need to drink milk.”

“Nonsense, real men need to grow up, and drinking milk will help.” The little prince looked at the milk as if it was poison and turned to his father. The Empress followed his gaze and met Dugu Xin’s eyes. It was clear that they were father and son, with identical expressions of resistance to milk.

The Empress kindly picked up the other cup of milk, “Your Majesty?”

The Emperor wouldn’t fall for that, and he pushed the milk back, “I don’t need to grow up, do I?”

“You don’t, but your son is watching. Can’t you set a good example?” The milk was pushed back again.

Dugu Xin looked at his son and then at the milk. Resigned to his fate, he took the cup and drank a large gulp of milk, as if he was facing death.

The Empress nodded in satisfaction.

The little prince watched in horror as his father’s face changed color after drinking the milk. When the Empress rewarded the Emperor with a kiss, the little prince tried to run away, but he was caught by the back of his collar and pulled back by the Empress.

“Mother, I really don’t want to drink it.” The little prince resorted to his most effective tactic, bursting into tears.

But the Empress countered with a single sentence, “Crying won’t work here, you know that. Besides, your father drank it, so how can you not drink it?”

The little prince was speechless.

Finally, the Empress watched with satisfaction as the father and son left for their respective destinations, both with bitter expressions.

Undoubtedly, on this sunny morning, the Empress remained the biggest winner in the Forbidden City.

Meanwhile, Da Xi followed closely behind the Emperor, noting down the Emperor’s 47th complaint about milk in his notebook.He solemnly instructed, “Remember to remind me to prioritize banning dairy cows nationwide as soon as possible!”

The nation was at peace, and there were no major issues in the court.

“No major issues” meant that everything was just trivial matters.

Dugu Xin sat on the dragon throne in the Hall of Mental Cultivation, enjoying his phone while listening indifferently to the various ministers’ chatter. After listening, he would head to the West Warm Pavilion to listen to the ministers from the Grand Council chatter.

The ministers seemed to be synchronized, and as lunchtime approached, they gradually fell silent. The Emperor, who was considerate of his ministers, waved his hand and allowed some of them to go home.

Thanks to the cup of milk at breakfast, the Emperor didn’t have much appetite, so he decided to stay in the Hall of Mental Cultivation and diligently review documents.

The news that the Emperor wasn’t eating lunch spread quickly, and within half an hour, four groups of people came in to deliver food.

They were the Empress Dowager, the Empress, Consort De, and the new concubine, Consort Li.

The Empress Dowager and the Empress were understandable, but Dugu Xin was puzzled to see Consort De and Consort Li arriving together.

“Oh, Your Majesty, don’t get the wrong idea. Consort Li is new here, and I brought her to familiarize herself with the surroundings. We happened to pass by your place, so we dropped in to see you,” Consort De explained.

“…Thank you,” Dugu Xin said with a dark face, “The Forbidden City is not a tourist attraction.”

“The Emperor is right. The Forbidden City is far from being a tourist attraction,” Consort Li chimed in.

Before the Emperor’s image could collapse, Consort Li quickly dragged Consort De away. The Emperor sneered, continued reviewing documents, and after a while, sneered again. On the third sneer, he personally wrote a plaque that read, “Consort De and Huskies are not allowed inside,” and ordered Da Xi to hang it in the most conspicuous place at the entrance of the Hall of Mental Cultivation.

The consequence of sitting still for the entire afternoon reviewing documents was that when the Emperor stood up from the dragon throne, he successfully strained his back.

The situation escalated, and the Emperor went from not eating lunch to having an indisposed imperial body.
All the women in the harem, whether out of friendship or love, came to pay their respects.

The Empress arrived the earliest.

As she entered the inner palace hall, she was shocked by the sight of Imperial Physician Li and Dugu Xin’s posture.

Imperial Physician Li stood by the bed, holding a dark, medicinal paste like it was a bomb, and was about to persuade the Emperor with tears in his eyes.
“Your Majesty, although this paste smells bad, it’s very effective. Look at your lumbar spine, it’s been protruding due to prolonged sitting and lack of exercise.”

“No way,” Dugu Xin lay on the bed, his face buried in the pillow, and his voice was muffled. “If you dare to apply that smelly paste to my lower back, I’ll dismiss you from your position.”

“I’ll quit my position then,” Imperial Physician Li said resolutely.
“Your Majesty, do you think your body belongs only to you? No, it also belongs to me… and to the people of the world. For the sake of the country, your imperial body cannot afford to have any setbacks. Not even a slight strain is allowed.”

The Empress’s eyelids twitched as she listened.

“You don’t need to lecture me. My body belongs only to the Empress,” Dugu Xin said.

Imperial Physician Li looked up at the ceiling, speechless for a moment. “Anyway, that’s the idea. Your Majesty, just understand that I’m loyal to you. I’m going to apply this paste today, no matter what. You can call for help, but no one will come to your rescue. It’s a done deal. Unless… unless Her Majesty the Empress… Ah, Your Majesty, when did you arrive?”

The Empress waved her hand kindly. “I’ve been here for a while, since you said the Emperor’s body belongs to you.”

Imperial Physician Li looked embarrassed. “I didn’t mean to offend you, Your Majesty. Please forgive me. In a way, the Emperor’s body does belong to you.”

The Empress smiled, as befits a queen mother. “Thank you, thank you. The Emperor does belong to you, in a way.”
“No, no, no…”

“Where, where…”

“You two, stop it. I’m still here,” Dugu Xin shouted angrily.

Both of them were taken aback, and the Empress quickly transformed into a sweet little angel, approaching him with concern and kindness.

Imperial Physician Li was fed a mouthful of high-end royal dog food, and stiffly held the medicinal paste as he left.

As for why the Emperor refused to apply the paste, the Empress knew the inside story. The reason was simple: he had an obsessive-compulsive disorder.

She remembered when the little prince was young, Dugu Xin was holding him and he happened to spit up. After that, the little prince lost his father’s favor for a whole month.

Thinking of milk made the Empress think of the Emperor’s milk-drinking incident. She couldn’t help but scold Dugu Xin when no one was around: “If you had drunk milk regularly, your bones wouldn’t be in such a state, would they?”

“Hmph.”

“Maybe I can massage you?” The Empress extended her imperial claws.

“Hmph.”

Because of his obsessive-compulsive disorder, the Emperor suffered for half a month in the Hall of Mental Cultivation, becoming the second emperor in the history of the Da Yan dynasty to work from bed.
The previous one was the founding emperor, who was severely injured during a military campaign and had no choice but to work from bed.

Without comparison, there would be no sense of hardship. Everyone, in order to take care of the Emperor’s feelings, unanimously requested that he put aside state affairs and focus on recovery. They refused to admit that there was simply nothing important going on.

To prevent the Emperor’s pride from being hurt, they even sent the Empress to take care of him.

The Empress entered the West Warm Pavilion with a box in her hands. “You see, everyone is very concerned about you.”

“This is a figurine of you… made by the Noble Consort.”

“This is old ginseng sent by Consort De.”

“This is a zombie figurine sent by the Consort Liang. If you’re scared, I can plant a pea in the room for you.”

“…”

“This is a khata sent by the Consort Li.”
“Consort Shu tried to sneak a cat in here, but I stopped her.”

“This is from Consort Xian…”

“What did she send me?” Dugu Xin interrupted her.

The Empress closed the box. “Me.”

The Emperor’s inner pride was thoroughly extinguished.

Although the Emperor was supposedly resting, he wasn’t idle. The Empress worried that if he had too much free time, he might actually grow mushrooms.

Every day, she thought of ways to keep him occupied.

For example, she would ask him to grant a piece of calligraphy to Noble Consort Xi.

Or grant a piece of calligraphy to Consort De.

Or grant a piece of calligraphy to Consort Liang.

Or, because Consort De complained that the previous piece of calligraphy had too few characters, she would ask him to grant another piece.

Dugu Xin finally managed to get out of bed and sat stiffly in a chair. Suddenly, he realized something was off. “Why do you always ask me to write calligraphy?”

“Isn’t it because we love you?” The Empress’s face remained expressionless.

Dugu Xin stared at her silently.

“Well… it turns out that Consort Xian discovered a business opportunity.”

It turned out that Dugu Xin was the last to know that his calligraphy was very valuable.

Dugu Xin’s expression turned ugly. The Empress hesitantly asked, “How about giving you a percentage? 40%?”

Dugu Xin’s expression turned even uglier. “70%.”

“…Deal,” the Empress gritted her teeth. It seemed that the Emperor was even more ruthless than she thought.

The Empress leaned in close to the imperial desk. “Is this… a painting of me?”

Half a month later.

Consort Xian chased after the Empress, “Your Majesty, paintings are more valuable than calligraphy. That painting the Emperor made for you last time…”

“No sale!” the Empress said firmly. “That’s priceless. I’ll keep it as a family heirloom.”