Gloves - Chapter 3

God knows how chilling Shang Zhuoxi can be, just like her surgical knife. Oh no, she’s even worse than a knife. Knives don’t have eyes, they might not stab you in the right places, but Shang Zhuoxi is like a surgical knife with eyes. She knows exactly where to cut to inflict the most pain.

I met Shang Zhuoxi when I was fourteen. I was lost, and she helped me find my way home. At first, I thought she was a foreigner because of her high nose and golden hair. Most importantly, she spoke with a strong foreign accent.

When I was sixteen, I fell in love with her. Yes, it was love, I’m very clear about that. I was still in high school.

My father, who is now the chief physician at the hospital where Shang Zhuoxi works, was very busy back then. He was so busy that he hardly had any time to spend with me. But he would give me a lot of money. However, I had no concept of money. I just neatly put them in my small suitcase. Being constantly surrounded by servants and housekeepers, I slowly realized that I was different from others. In the eyes of others, I was like a wealthy young lady, but only I knew that I wasn’t happy at home. And my mother… well, she’s not my real mother, more like a stepmother. She has a son who is four years older than me. Although I call him my brother, he doesn’t care about me like a sister. In this household, the only thing that made me feel warmth was my brother’s golden retriever, Lolo. Whenever my brother got angry and took it out on Lolo, the poor little thing would come and hide by my side. It was because of this little golden retriever that I helplessly fell in love with Shang Zhuoxi.

Six years ago, in 2009, when I was sixteen years old…

Today is Wednesday, and there are no evening self-study sessions on Wednesdays. After school, I wait at the back gate of the school as usual, waiting for that woman named Shang Zhuoxi. I know she usually passes by here around this time.

“Hey, Shang Zhuoxi,” I shout as I see her tall figure from afar. I run towards her and embrace her, reaching only up to her collarbone. I’ve been trying really hard to grow taller these past two years… When I was fourteen, I only reached her waist.

Shang Zhuoxi doesn’t say much. Most of the time, it’s me doing the talking. I tell her about my life, and I don’t know if she cares or not. I’m not sure why I enjoy being with Shang Zhuoxi. Maybe it’s because she’s so clean? She smells nice? Anyway, I update her on Lolo’s recent condition.

Lolo’s mental state has been deteriorating lately. His fur has become dry, and his eyes look exhausted. Just thinking about Lolo makes my nose tingle, and I start to cry. I raise my head and seek help from Shang Zhuoxi, hoping she can give me some advice because no one in my family cares about Lolo except for me.

“Chujie, bring him out this weekend, and I’ll take a look,” Shang Zhuoxi responds. I’m thrilled. So, over the weekend, I bring Lolo to meet Shang Zhuoxi. I’m both excited and worried that Shang Zhuoxi, with her obsession for cleanliness, might find Lolo repulsive.

Shang Zhuoxi gets out of the car and walks towards us. Lolo warmly greets her. Does he also like Shang Zhuoxi just like me? I’m relieved to see that Shang Zhuoxi doesn’t seem to mind him. I watch as she squats down and pets Lolo. In that moment, I feel an inexplicable sense of reassurance. Shang Zhuoxi still wears her pristine gloves, and of course, she has a mask on. She asks me to get into the car, and then she takes me to her house.

She hands me a pair of gloves and slippers. These slippers don’t seem like the ones you wear at home. I understand why, so I make sure to keep my limbs in check and not touch anything in her house. The house is about the same size as mine, three stories high. It has a fresh scent, and aside from the white walls surrounding us, all the partitions inside are transparent. It’s so clean and bright that you can hardly tell there are any dividers. It’s only when I go upstairs that I notice the glass panels on the sides.

When Shang Zhuoxi appears in front of me again, I’m dumbfounded. She has changed into a surgical gown, her hands resting on either side. She stands there and says, “Believe in me,” raising an eyebrow.

Of course, I trust her. How could I not? I watch her focused expression from outside the car, her smooth forehead, the prominent arch of her eyebrows, and her nose, partially hidden behind the mask, revealing a high bridge. Her movements are precise and swift. I entrust my beloved companion, Lolo, to her completely. Shang Zhuoxi takes care of Lolo as if he were a patient… It is from this moment that my inherent fondness for Shang Zhuoxi undergoes a qualitative change.

So, it turns out that Shang Zhuoxi is a doctor. I’ve never asked her about her profession, and I dare not ask random questions. I appreciate her quiet demeanor, and I fear that my curiosity might make her uncomfortable. I’m afraid I won’t be able to distinguish whether her silence is a normal response or a sign of anger. Since I was young, I have admired doctors because they are truly great.

I put on my school uniform and look at myself in the mirror. The uniform seems smaller, making me appear more three-dimensional compared to my skinny self at fourteen. There’s a boy in my class, Yi Heng, who was also my middle school classmate. He is part of the guitar club, but I don’t really care if he’s the lead singer or plays the keyboard or the bass. He likes me, or so I’ve heard. I like him too, but not in a romantic way. Then again, who wouldn’t like a sunny and enthusiastic guy?

After the first evening study session, Yi Heng pulls me to the playground.

“Miss An, this is for you,” he stands in front of me, hands extending a small square box. I remember how confident he looked when we formed the band, but now he seems like a clueless boy. Yi Heng adjusts his hair and then pecks my face lightly, as if testing the waters. The next moment, he wants to run away.

“…I… I have a rehearsal. I should go now,” he stammers. I stand there, holding the box, watching Yi Heng leave. Could it be that he really likes me?

After evening study, Yi Heng says he wants to walk me home. I point to the car waiting at the school gate and tell him my dad is here to pick me up. Yi Heng believes the excuse, but the truth is, the person inside the car is Shang Zhuoxi.

“That boy likes you,” Shang Zhuoxi says as she drives, not as a question, but as a statement.

“Huh?” Suddenly, I feel nervous for some reason.

“Do you like him?” Shang Zhuoxi’s voice remains calm.

“…,” I suddenly don’t know how to answer. I enjoy being friends with people like Yi Heng, but the person I truly like is Shang Zhuoxi herself, even though she has no idea.

“We’ve arrived. You can get out of the car now.” I can sense that Shang Zhuoxi’s mood doesn’t seem to be good today, even though she is always so indifferent.

I thought she would just drive away as usual, but as I walked a short distance, I heard the sound of the car door closing. I turned around and Shang Zhuoxi was standing in front of me. We stood face to face like that, with me looking up at her, still gripping the gift Yi Heng gave me. What… what was she going to do? I looked at her in astonishment, and soon my chin was lifted up.

“Chujie, listen, we can only like one person. Liking is liking, not liking is not liking. Let me ask you, do you like that boy today?” Shang Zhuoxi was so close to me, and my heart started beating faster. But she furrowed her eyebrows slightly. The scent of her faint perfume filled my nostrils, and her hair brushed against my cheek. Why did we always have to bring up Yi Heng? We can only like one person, and of course, I only like Shang Zhuoxi.

“Not liking,” I shook my head, looking at Shang Zhuoxi’s face, the face I liked. When I prepared myself to tiptoe and kiss her, she let go of me.

The feeling of hope being dashed was like holding a needle to poke a balloon about to burst, but before you could touch it, the balloon deflated.

I returned home and opened the box. Inside was a T-shirt, with the Coldplay logo on the corner. Coldplay, Yi Heng’s favorite band. He gave me his most precious possession, but I didn’t know what I could give him in return or even how to thank him. Maybe I should just give it back to him?

My long-repressed feelings for Shang Zhuoxi finally erupted in her sharp words, swirling around me.

That day was Yi Heng’s birthday, and he insisted on me accompanying him to watch a movie. Reluctantly, I reluctantly agreed…

Yi Heng confessed to me formally. He said I was special because no other girl would wear gloves like me. He found me clean because of that, but he didn’t know that I only wore gloves because of the cleanliness-obsessed Shang Zhuoxi. He said he was fascinated by the way I played the piano, and so on. He said a lot, but I didn’t really listen…

He took my hand and put his arm around my shoulder in front of that familiar car. But this time, I pushed him away and told him not to do that anymore. I didn’t want to tell him that I didn’t like him on his birthday. He recognized Shang Zhuoxi’s car and always thought that the person inside was my dad, so he sensibly let go of my hand.

I opened the car door and saw Shang Zhuoxi’s cold face, which made me worried.

“Sit in the back,” her voice was also cold. I didn’t understand why, but I didn’t dare to ask too many questions. I obediently sat in the back. I usually sat next to her.

“If I’m not around, would you not push him away?”

“…,” Yi Heng again… I never knew how to answer that kind of question. I looked at Shang Zhuoxi’s eyes and expression in the rearview mirror, clearly showing impatience.

“This is the last time I’ll take you home. You don’t need to come find me anymore. I have my own work.”

“Why?” I didn’t understand.

“I don’t have that obligation.”

Obligation? I studied politics, and I knew the relationship between responsibility and obligation. Yeah, she really didn’t have the obligation to pick me up and take me home every day. I stopped talking, my eyes welled up with tears, swirling around inside.

“Get out of the car,” she commanded, devoid of any warmth.

What does it mean to have no obligation? What does it mean to not need to find her in the future? Why does everything become so distant without me even knowing what happened?

“I don’t want to,” I held back my tears, but the hint of crying in my voice couldn’t be concealed. I had never gotten angry with anyone before, but I was now throwing a tantrum at Shang Zhuoxi.

“Get out, you’re home now.”

“I don’t want to!” Because if I get out of the car, you won’t come pick me up anymore.

“Hurry up, I’m tired today.”

As soon as she mentioned being tired, my heart ached. But I didn’t want to suppress myself anymore.

“I don’t want to!” I practically shouted.

She said she didn’t have an obligation, right? Then what right does she have to make me obedient to her?

“Fine,” Shang Zhuoxi tightened her lips and immediately turned the car around. I didn’t know where she was taking me.

She drove fast, swerving all the way, and I sat in the back, watching the speeding streetlights and trees. My head felt dizzy, and a nauseous feeling rose in my stomach. I hoped she would slow down because I was worried about her safety, but I still didn’t dare to ask her for anything explicit.

Finally, we arrived at her own house. The car came to a stop, and she got out, followed by me.

“What do you mean?” Shang Zhuoxi’s expression was filled with disgust. I hated her current expression. I had seen her gentle side before.

“Tell me!” She suddenly raised her voice, and fear gripped me. My whole body trembled, and in that moment, all the suppressed grievances turned into anger.

“That’s what I should be asking you!” My tears burst out uncontrollably.

“I’ve been careful every day, afraid that you would hate me. I can’t even dare to say that I like you. I’m afraid that my affection would disgust you! How much I want to understand you, but I’m afraid that asking too many questions would make you resentful. You’ve never given me a chance, of course, I don’t expect…”

“It was you who said you can only like one person! How could I possibly like Yi Heng? Shang Zhuoxi, I hate you! Why do you treat me well if you don’t like me?” My tears flowed incessantly as I sobbed.

“From the very beginning, you shouldn’t have brought me home. Why did you help me save Luo Luo? Aren’t you busy? Why did you pick me up every day? Why do you reject everyone else but treat me differently?” I stepped forward and pushed Shang Zhuoxi.

“You don’t like me, and you don’t allow others to like me. Shang Zhuoxi, what exactly do you think of me?” Many people have shown me utmost respect since I was young. Why should I lower my voice and be submissive to this woman named Shang Zhuoxi? I let all my grievances turn into tears, and in that moment, I felt relieved. But Shang Zhuoxi’s next words chilled me. Looking back now at my 16-year-old self, I can’t help but feel sorry for how naive I was. She said,

“I treat you as my superior’s daughter. Your father is my superior, so naturally, I have to be polite to you.”

So, I was just a relationship that could be exploited. Shang Zhuoxi, she was ruthless. It felt like blood flowing back into my brain. I couldn’t utter a word. I no longer looked up at Shang Zhuoxi. I turned around, crouched down, and hugged myself. Why was this early autumn night so cold? I called the housekeeper and asked them to come and pick me up. Shang Zhuoxi, I won’t come find you anymore.

I won’t come find her again. That’s what I thought at that time. But of course, that alone is not enough to explain the hatred I have for her now. For Shang Zhuoxi, that was just the first time she lightly scratched me with a small knife. She has done much more than that.